APH: Ivan Braginski on Children
by Self Deprecating Writer
Summary: Alfred is bored, and a prick. Ivan is forced to put up with him.


One day, our favorite American was bored.

Yes.

BORED.

However, he couldn't help but think about children.

You know.

Being a parent.

Naming children.

Raising them.

The whole nine yards.

Alfred was really only a teenager right now and he was crammed with homework and essays that were due tomorrow.

So not only did he need someone to bother

But also someone to help

And by help I mean do

His homework

Or just help if they're not a push over

Alfred had tons of push overs in his phone book, but sadly they were all gone and he was alone in his dorm and the only person open was

Dare I say it

That Communist Dude

So instead of going to China who was the only one left in the dorm rooms who would most likely do the whole assignment for him, he went to Russia's house who was currently water skiing and using a shark much like one would use a boat.

Alfred watched this from a distance with a rather blank expression.

Blank meaning his attention span broke and he was now spacing out.

Russia taking notice of the blond standing on the mountain of snow sighed and cut his ride short and made a crash landing into the pile of snow climbing his way up and putting his short back on.

When America snapped back into reality

Which was via Ivan punching him in the face

He flinched a bit and got up as if nothing happened

"Hey Ivan, can you do my homework?"

To Iva the man was shrieking like a rat having several pounds forced upon it's frame, thus having it's bones crushed.

"What do you want?"

The boy folded his arms and his facial expression said little to nothing.

Alfred kind of had to admit, seeing the guy put his shirt back on was sad.

It hid his perfect 6 pack that no boy his age should have.

Not to mention the millions of times Alfred had called him fat.

But hey

Teenagers are always mean

"I want you to hep me do my homework~"

He kind of whined.

Ivan winced a bit.

Alfred's voice hasn't cracked yet making it as high and annoying as ever to the Euro-Asian.

"And to annoy me, da?"

"Well...Yeah."

There was a moment of silence.

"I also want to talk to you about...about children."

Ivan raised an eyebrow and sighed walking back to his home.

The American, having not much else to do just followed the poor boy to his mansion where they would pretty much be forced to hang out from Ivan's boredom and Alfred's undone homework.

America walked though the halls of Russia's home which were all embroidered with gold and fine art.

His eyes wanders and marveled.

Oh how beautiful and mystical it all was.

Until he walked into a door and fell straight on his ass.

Let's just say he did so gracefully as not to ruin the effect of the rest of the house, eh?

Embrace your inner Canadian...

EMBRACE IT

Anyways, Alfred got up and walked into Russia room with really just looked like a huge library with mahogany wood and a huge ass bed.

HUGE. ASS.

And now I'm thinking about Spain...

*insert Dat-Ass icon here*

Anyways, the Russian was sitting at is desk, books open and what not.

"What do you need help with?"

"Help? But I don't wannna do my work~!"

Ivan sighed and face palmed.

"But you did say something about children, da? What about them?"

The American blinked and reflected on past event and smiled.

"How would you feel about having a daughter."

"Oh, God..."

Ivan squeezed is eyes tight and double face palmed and sighed.

"Have a daughter? Why would I want to have a daughter?"

"Well..."

The blond blinked.

"Why wouldn't you?"

"Alfred, don't get me wrong. I love children but a daughter? Have you SEEN my face? Actually. Have you SEEN me in general?"

"Well yeah, you're right in front of me...I guess."

"Well apparently I must not be if you're asking THAT question."

The boy sighed and head desked.

"Oh come on~! What's wrong with having a daughter?"

"There's nothing wrong with having a daughter. Not in general. Just something wrong with ME having a daughter."

America just smirked knowing that he was going to go into some huge funny speech.

"Look at me Alfred! Big bones that make me look like Cartman if not fatter, dominant trait! Square jaws and face, dominant trait! Huge ass nose...DOMINANT TRAIT!

I'll be going to pick her up from Pre-K and other parents will be wondering why I have a frikkin silver back gorilla running at me! And she''l be sent to the principle everyday because her nose looks like a frikkin giant penis!

A giant frikkin PENIS!"

Alfred but bust trying not to laugh, putting his abs muscles in pain during the process.

"It's not funny!

One day I'll be at the frikkin park and it'll be like;

'Hey daddy, look at me~ AAAEEEEEGGGGHHH!'"

Ivan started impersonating the Chewbacca noise.

Alfred was red faced on the floor rolling and almost literally laughing his ass off.

"'He daddy! Look, I'm on the swing! AAAEEEEEGGGGHHH! AAAEEEEEGGGGHHH!'

And I'll be at the zoo everyday, and have animal protection services on my ass. I'll constantly have to give speeches about how my daughter ISN'T an endangered species.

Heck, either that or everyone will think my wife, or whoever that unlucky lady is, is a demon because she gave birth to a chimera!

NO. ALCHEMY. NEEDED."

"So what if you have a son?"

Alfred was smiling wider than the Cheshire cat himself, may that even be possible.

Ivan on the other hand had his Sweden face (srs face) on.

"Don't even joke like that..."

"Aww~ Why not?"

Alfred grinned.

Ivan sighed and rubbed his temples.

"Alfred...If I have a son he's gonna look like a midget with down syndrome.

Actually.

Scratch that.

He WILL be a midget with down syndrome.

All I need to do is apply some tanning lotion on his skin and they'll ask him why he's not on the set for Willy Wonka.

Tch, that's if he even grows that big.

Next thing you know, I can't find him one day and he's in the circus for smallest boy alive. 2 inches tall, but round like a Frisbee."

Alfred was once again laughing his ass off if not just the other cheek.

"Why must you so deeply indulge in my misfortune?"

"I'm not indulging!"

Alfred managed between hysterical fits and trying his best to regain his breathe.

"You are indulging! Seriously! You're laughing at me because if I have kids they'll be little mutants!

I swear, it'll be X-Men live when they're born!"

"No it won't~"

"Da, it will!"

"Well yeah but...Not if you have my children."

There was a silence.

Violet eyes looked up in thought searching crystal blue.

There were no lies but pure feeling as both let their eyes drift shut and parted lips leaned towards each other.

And then they finally collided...

DAMN IVAN

Just gave Alfred a right hook and he flew like a muthafucka

DAMN

That had to be hard...

And I'm pretty sure that a billion yaoi fans are now outside my house with torches and pitchforks.

One moment while I go check.

Back.

If nothing else is typed after this last sentence then I'm dead.


End file.
